BRITISH REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE
A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,
we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without
the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.A
questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look
up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,
and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise.'
3. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels
(look up 'vocabulary').
4. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like'
and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated
letter 'U' and the elimination of 'ize.'
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, 'God Save the Queen.'
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
7. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're
not adult enough to be independent.
8. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous
than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving
on the left with immediate effect.
12. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the
benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
13. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
'gasoline') -- roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
14. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not
real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called
crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup
but with vinegar.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European
brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands
will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without
risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral'
was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour
like a bunch of nancies).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is world beyond your borders, your
error is understandable.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government
will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated
to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation..
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